Struggling with mundane artifice conversations with fellow human beings and near and dear ones. What is the protocol, why is the protocol like that, and is it warmth or is it artifice? I may be bleeding from the inside with thoughts and beliefs, but not ready to share because of my inside feelings may be considered weird and misunderstood. It’s not something that I haven’t tried doing, but it happens quite often in my life that I’m subjected to be a little on the weird side.
Can I embrace this weirdness rather than just trying to fit in to a socially acceptable ‘mould’ or should I forever be told that I have to fit in to please the folks of the land? I tell people and my young to embrace their fallacies and I myself fight it to take on a presentable moulded form for easier acceptance with the pretentious folks of the land and their incompetent and primitive reactions. I am anything but primitive but I am afraid of being rejected and not being acceptably considered in the eyes of the elders. Do I need to?
I am afraid of the non-working life and what comes with it. It’s started, its begun..the downfall phase where I feel incompetent and nulled. It’s really a matter of sometime, but now again I am pushed to do things that aren’t for me and neither should I meddle with them. I have to now plan a purchase of a cooking range??? I have to organize an anniversary get-together now for my dad as he doesn’t move his ass. How do always get involved in all this and why can’t I distance myself from all this. Something as stupid as the chachi coming over to complain about dirty dishes and being a complete ass. Where did all this come from? All these guilts take a toll and spin my mental stability for a full toss. I am not a secure person at all that I used to be, or rather much lesser than what I used to be.
I hope there is a way that I can avoid these mundane conversations and household errors that send me on a guilt trip. My list of things to do is just increasing however, what I have realised is that there is something more important than just getting administration right, have to focus on the main thing and get that right. That is my lesson from Venture Garage. Being a small team and a growing venture, it meant that the most important and critical thing for the business was to get new business, so the primary focus was always and will always be new business till the time the business does not get into auto pilot mode. Could the same principle be applied when it comes to my own house-hold and my relationships?
What is the most critical element in my different aspects of life? In my household, I need new things such as mattress, television, etc, which will only come if there is money coming in. Money will come only if my career and my path is set. My path is not set yet.However, the vision is there to become a novelist or writer and my path is towards creation. I am onto creation of things whereas throughout I have been managing the creation and deliverance. But now I must go to creation and nothing less than that will subside my anger with the way things function around me, without congruency and rationale.
I must focus on creation and then eventually make my creations make me money. My words are my creations and these creations will help me get what I want. Till now, my creations haven’t been disclosed or discussed in the world, but I know after a short phase that will seem to be a long phase, it is my creations that will move me and the world with it. It was a revelation, and it was clear, how could it get so clear? It doesn’t matter anymore but it was clear as a glass. I must focus on creating and making sure that my creations make money so that I can get my administration right in my household, or better yet, have a household of my own.