Tonight’s conversations left me unperturbed. I foresee a change in relationships and values that are there. In a whiff of a few days, the entire perspective has changed. Div stopped me from saying anything to her and literally stopped me from saying anything. How can anyone cut me short of saying what I want to say. It seems that he is not comfortable with my presence in the relationship that he has with her. I wonder what it is but it is there, and an after-thought leaves me dry to utter anything except for longing for thoughts. My best friend as rumor has it, has shared his future life with the world except for me, and I long for companionship as per the norms of society.
In the midst of all this happening, I try to find myself and I know that I seek nothing but myself as that is the only thing that I control and relationships are not.
I foresee the happenings of my previous relationships with my college mates, something that never really came to fruition in the right sense, atleast with me. I seem to lose myself in relationships, the kind of upbringing my father taught me…to give yourself above the other person, because he or she is more important than you. That quality in me, left me dry longing for my own when everybody left me for nothing. I tell myself, that I will never leave myself dry for someone else, for someone else who I know I have no control over, but I tend to fall in the pit of despair and deep I go down the rabbit hole.
Its been 29 years of highs and lows and this is definitely a low point in the relationship. I have been quite unsuccessful in my relationships where other people have been involved. For some reason, they’re not what I thought they would turn out to be. My relationship with my work, my relationship with friends, theyre not at all how I envisioned they would turn out. Is it possible they arent turning out the way you thought they would because you havent’ turned out the way you envisioned yourself. By this time, I should’ve had a great bod, an contemporary style apartment in Mumbai and a dual career in the arts and sciences. Great going Vaibhav, it is you who hasn’t turned out the way you envisioned and relationships havent turned out the way you envisioned. It’s time to focus on you and your partner the most. These relationships are tumultuous !