I feel comfortable in knowing some truths about me and the world. Choosing sides is inevitable. Carving a path of your own needs grit determination and lots of backup. That’s certain. There’s nothing more comforting than backup when you want to carve your own name your own way. The analytical bent of my mind asks what exactly is backup and what exactly is comfortable for carving your own. Is it money? Is it age? Is it life status? Is it health? Is it a combination of all these? Then how much? Is goal setting a driver to achieve substance in life or withering away like a feather with the gush of wind better for your soul. My confidence is a huge factor. And my soul is a huge factor too. The soul says goals suck and enjoy life as you go along but my mind tells me goals are good. It’s just that I don’t see anyone near me pursue goals as persistently as I would. What I need is some re-programming to make it good.
The way that I see my peers from school or college increasingly listening to their inner voice and doing what they think is best for them and getting an enlightened source of fuel for their well-being, keeps me astride to ride the wave again and become a selfish prick that I never was. Am i made of that mettle? I ask myself and gulp down a drop of guilt saliva knowing the truth isnt far from what I am today and its light years away from where I think I want to be. The possibility of having and doing what I believe is my vision seems afar and bleak. I am putting on a bit of weight and eating like a lala, what I used to be known for in my childhood – A magnificent lala that keeps his weight while hunched on my seat and seeing the idiot box like one of the tele-tubbies. This little phase in life I can call redemption from poverty. I have to redeem my status and fill my pockets as I want to stand up again and stretch myself. This little phase of my life I can call the recovery phase from the injury that I suffered for three years. When will I fully recover? I must put a timeline to it and understand how much further should I pull myself to the bottom to recover fully? Also, I need to gather resources and put them to efficient and effective use in order to pow-wow my future growth spectrum.
When it comes to choosing sides, I know which one to choose but my self worth decides to choose neither as a sense of self worth being much higher. But one must choose nevertheless. After last night’s bouts with the common folk, my leaning is more towards the enemy which is very unlikely of me. I loathe the enemy and seem to be self inflicting my stand but I see that the other side may just reduce my worth in the long run and make me reach nowhere.
So shall I step into the enemies shoes just because my self worth may reduce in the friendly zone? I think it makes sense…
My 3rd payment installment is due next month and I’m already in a state of flux with the useless banter and mind games. O need an outlet or travel that disconnects me from the monotony. The family trip will make me go nowhere and again I will have to choose my sides wisely. Or would I?
My wife has been doing the interview rounds and to my astonishment, the question that arises in the minds of the interviewer is that of family planning and reproduction. I am sure that there are technical affiliations to the entire maternity leave concept but I am astonished how this has become a generic intrusion of private planning. How does the company that wants to employ ask a question of such delicate matter to a woman and make no such difference to a man’s life. The whole gender bias plays itself to a symphony that may be widely acceptable but exposes a certain element of me and my wife’s life that I am not very happy in sharing with my professional life. How has this question of a certain personal nature suddenly become an open ended question of wide acceptance and one that demands an answer in front of an audience? Isn’t there a way of asking these questions rather than putting it in front. If had she answered in the negative, does it show my wife as someone who puts her career out of the limelight? Does she sidelines her career because she would want to have a family? Is there not a system that exists that accepts a coexistence of work and family planning? Having to borne a kid means that one needs to put her career on hold? Hypocritical??? Isn’t bearing a child a gift of life? and here the child hasn’t been born and yet has started to intrude parts of life that doesn’t even include him or her. The people blatantly ask for details of the family planning the new born so that they don’t have to deal with a miscreant that hasnt been born it. A sense of negativism bears the child even before it has been born and we’ve been confronted for its birth. Confronted for its birth and confronted against it as well.
Its hard getting inspired especially when your in a mundane environment that has a hotel receptionist toughie and a gym instructor for a team. A typical 10-6 grind with a bulging tummy and public transport commute seems to be quite a becoming for a typical household family with two kids and minimum wage zindagi. Whatever that can happen, needs to happen with me in a metaphysical form because im not ready to let go of the cushy job which pays my bills. In fact, I feel its liberating me to do things and I don’t have to be a mercenary or a puritist of any kinds when it comes to money incoming. Im not ready to gamble with me and my life anymore and want to approach with a sound but hopefully calculative way.
I am seeking inspiration and want to be inspired to live outrageously. I want to know that I can write and live a grand life like the ones in Bel-air with a grand house with all the space in the world and good food.
I need to find where to get inspired from especially outside of my comfort area, that is my desk and can propel me to go forward. I am also quite astonished as to how in only 3 months that I simply gave in to the laziness and sleepiness in return for a paycheck. From the outset, I am in a great place where I have a job that pays and doesn’t make me do much. Isn’t that the place where I wanted to be for a long time. Isn’t that the place where I wanted to be and started devoting time to learning new subjects, writing my book and getting fitter. I think it is.
Its been a while since I visited my passion and my destiny to become a writer. This may be something that I’ve written in a few weeks, and I feel ashamed by it. Some of the concepts that I’ve picked up from the training courses seem to be out of my touch and the principles that I picked up are forgotten. But I will still try my best to come up with words that form meaning and hopefully meaningful to someone who reads it.
I still vividly remember the idealogy that dawned on me when I had those mushrooms, it was so much more clear. The colors and the smells were so apparent. It was a High definition movie. I can remember the calling, that I will be the one writing the story of the earth and we are just common earthlings but I have a bigger duty to fulfil. It is something much bigger than me and it will serve for generations to come. Am I to write the Mahabharata of the new times? Was the Mahabharata borrowed from the texts of ancient Egypt like the way Zeitgeist had identified? Do i have the duty to write and pass on the story to generations? I’m not too sure that I still believe or whether I am doing what is needed to strengthen my roots of achieving the dream that I dreamt. I have always written for myself and for my own clarity, it is my place of solace from the chaotic world that I live in, in the meta physical form. But will I ever be able to conjure up a narrative? a story that I want to tell? What is the story that I want to tell? The story of the country where I live and the fallacies that exist. I am not too sure till when these fallacies will exist but what I do know is that what I believe in, the internal conflict that exists in my mind, will only dissolve when what I am saying in the book will come alive.
Coming back to me, why I dont want to blog is because I don’t want to become a popular face. I want to remain in the shadow, leering,urking. I don’t believe that success needs an audience. Heck, I never used to know that I believed it but I did identify that I had friction with recognition for good deeds. I don’t want the limelight. I want to succeed when there is no audience.