Waking early today

Woke up in the morning and had immense time for myself. Its a habit change, and it is good. What am I supposed to do with the free time that I have right now. Maybe I should complete my goals. Today mornings discussions were golden. There is too much emotion between me and her now, its inseparable for us now. Maybe I am having these dreams of debauchery, but what I am in the daytime its real. Dreams are virtual. Wake up in the morning at 6 and sleep at 11. Dinner at 8 and lunch at 1-1:30 and snacking at 5. It is possible. Any which ways, what am I going to do post 11 is beyond me. It is just a virtual reality that the nightcrawler exists. Since Im working now, the dream beyond 11 is not a real dream. The dream starts at 6 in the morning. I feel fresh and evacuated my bowels properly. Actually, my bowels aren’t evacuated properly. I need to see how I can have more roughage to get a proper bowel movement. I have to clear my system 2-3 times because there is less roughage in my meals.

This abdominal pannus is also scaring me. An early morning swim would be good. He can come pick us up in the morning or I can take the early morning metro. Having breakfast there only will be so ideal.

I think the early morning routine will allow me to work on my book and write as much as I want to. T

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Post work evening realizations

Is that what I’m going to be doing for the next 2 years. Brand director at a start-up agency which is dealing with alcohol and tobacco and non-tobacco brands.

Why cannot I do this for the next 2 years. Im going to be 32 in the next 2 years and then what after that. I want to write my book and I’ve got the perfect laptop for writing a novel and stories.

When everyone in the office is singing and laughing, I feel like a small child and want to join in but at the same time I feel I want to feel aloof and untouched from the uptight kids. What should be my focus. I was getting irritated when the designer wasn’t giving me what I wanted. I felt that it was something that he was teasing me and testing me what I might do if he didn’t listen to me.

Monday sadness

I don’t feel like going to my place. It’s a never ending spiral of loser attitude. It’s not a place of solace for me. It’s a never ending struggle that leads me to go in a downward spiral.

Haven’t I travelled way far ahead than where and what I was. It’s surprising how I’m still part of this ecosystem.

Can I move out. Ive done my bucketlist things. What else do I want to do. I genuinely don’t want to have a kid. It scares me to have a responsibility. Am I shying away from it because of that only? Look at me. Do I look like I should reproduce. My family don’t know what is money making, they will sink me to the ground. It’s already happening. Distance soon before it becomes too much of a pile on.

I am stuck somewhere financially, it’s like I have been tied. It’s true what she says at times, to be explicit in what is mine. A golden opportunity missed and is converted to a lump of garbage, only can be done by my family. I crib. Because I feel that dispassionate attitude in not doing anything. What do I want to do? Should I revisit my goals. I am doing my goals.

Bong Affliction

There’s something , the air of superiority over others despite being smelly, unhygienic and ugly, they seem to have an air of superiority. I hate that thing. It makes me want to puke at them. They are just not a superior species, they just think they are.

And the times they think its okay to order around people and be rude and just be well, Bong and they think they are intellectually so superior and they know-it-all. The spirit of know-it-all is the thing that irritates me the most.

I hat know-it-alls, the attitude is just bad. They can order around and just throw around their orders, they think people can’t retaliate and push them off when the time comes. Oh yes, I think when the time comes, like the Germans exterminated the Jews, I’m going to exterminate the Bongs, just for having this attitude.

Fish-eating mongrels! Smell the eel in them is what I feel.

The thing that Im angry about is that just managing all the business here, Im not left with anything to do for myself, and I don’t have anything for myself outside of the workspace. Like right now, its not something very proud of that I dont have anything interesting for me besides work. I have a house of grand parents and they’re problems, they’re social life and its just them. Do I have ambitions of my own. I met with someone yesterday, and it was not pleasing at all. It felt that I was missing something of my own. I will need to take out time to build something of my own besides the office. What will I do in a place like Bali if Im not working. Am I going to be a fitness freak, a writer? Its a blank slate. My writings all not there yet and i haven’t done any research on my topics. Have I finished my story? What’s besides the office do I have?

Idleness contemplations

waiting in line so that they call me to collect my cheque. Seems a bit too extreme. Are you getting comfortable not working for a paycheque? Do you think that’s how a startup exists? This is a startup and to survive you have to work your ass off.

This is a professional place of business, then why the change in thought? What is happening in terms of anxiety. The anxiety is that people will realise that im not a great client servicing manager after all. After all these years of working, you know that you’ve been taking it easy since the time you lost passion for doing something. Where is the passion and where is the drive? It’s your 30’s and soon enough the 40’s will come like a tornado and you wouldn’t even realise.

You have a window of 1.5 hours before work starts again and you know it. There is a gap and the morning began with such a sour note. Listen to Tim Ferris for a bit of motivation and drive.

Now the day is left for emptiness and I am employed as a long-term employee as a Brand Director. I am a freakin’ brand director and I am without work. I am 30 years old and I am running short of money. My job is to bring bread to the table in this household. I need to shift from my comfort level and make it happen for myself so that I am able to earn atleast a lakh per month. I am actually earning more than a lakh per month but my regenerative income is not that much. What should I do with my extra time? I do want to write my short stories. But what is the context of my story. Lets explore then Vaibhav.

Pushing around

the feeling of guilt coming over my conscious because you have taken care of work.

The only thing that you need to do now is to push people and thats it.

Is that the only thing that I am left with for today. Let take an account of it.

Design of newspaper ad – with lungs – i need to tell Ankan – I can email it

App logos need to come from Arun – i have already written to him

Sabaa ka payment – I have mailed her and need to push Ramesh ji

Case studies – that I need to write because I cannot keep that with Parul or Shivangi

Website design – I need to push Ankan

For website design – I also need to push Arun and Mrinal

For film – I need to push Aditya.

I just have to push people and thats all.