Winds of Change

Tonight’s conversations left me unperturbed. I foresee a change in relationships and values that are there. In a whiff of a few days, the entire perspective has changed. Div stopped me from saying anything to her and literally stopped me from saying anything. How can anyone cut me short of saying what I want to say. It seems that he is not comfortable with my presence in the relationship that he has with her. I wonder what it is but it is there, and an after-thought leaves me dry to utter anything except for longing for thoughts. My best friend as rumor has it, has shared his future life with the world except for me, and I long for companionship as per the norms of society.

In the midst of all this happening, I try to find myself and I know that I seek nothing but myself as that is the only thing that I control and relationships are not.

I foresee the happenings of my previous relationships with my college mates, something that never really came to fruition in the right sense, atleast with me. I seem to lose myself in relationships, the kind of upbringing my father taught me…to give yourself above the other person, because he or she is more important than you. That quality in me, left me dry longing for my own when everybody left me for nothing. I tell myself, that I will never leave myself dry for someone else, for someone else who I know I have no control over, but I tend to fall in the pit of despair and deep I go down the rabbit hole.

Its been 29 years of highs and lows and this is definitely a low point in the relationship. I have been quite unsuccessful in my relationships where other people have been involved. For some reason, they’re not what I thought they would turn out to be. My relationship with my work, my relationship with friends, theyre not at all how I envisioned they would turn out. Is it possible they arent turning out the way you thought they would because you havent’ turned out the way you envisioned yourself. By this time, I should’ve had a great bod, an contemporary style apartment in Mumbai and a dual career in the arts and sciences. Great going Vaibhav, it is you who hasn’t turned out the way you envisioned and relationships havent turned out the way you envisioned. It’s time to focus on you and your partner the most. These relationships are tumultuous !

Sense of Unpurpose

I feel a sense of unpurpose. All my friends and near and dear ones are working and grinding, but I’m not quite sure that is the way it should be. If they are working, but are they hustling. They’re doing the 9-5 hustle. And whether the 9-5 hustle is good enough for someone to sustain a living. Is that the correct way. Look at me, I haven’t a nickel to my name, I haven’t bought new shades in sometime, I haven’t bought a new phone in sometime, I haven’t the money to buy me a cheap tv or anything but I’m not doing the 9-5 hustle. Is the 9-5 hustle actually going to work for me. Im not so sure. I get involved in my work. I like that my work is an extension of who I am.What is that Im not quite sure yet. But I want to write and create. I can create through writing. So is writing a good option to create a living. I must give myself some goals on my writing. If I am to write and have a career change I must give myself a 5 year goal of doing so.

Obituary and Legacy thoughts

The spectrum of life comes to a halt because of an incomplete transaction that led to remorse and death from inside. Anti-establishment and pure minimalism streak, not much can be accomplished or built in this attitude as your thinking of a solitary reaper who’s bringing nothing but value upon himself and no one else. Selfish endeavors bring upon a change of action, a twist in faith. The past has been about building a structure that will surpass generations to come but now its about me-me-me. Whats it about all this that is to say about establishments, its a daft dream, an artifice.

End of the day, its about the Obituary statement – I, Vaibhav Nahar, pass away on the day of 2067 in peace. I am grateful for the people who have been with me through the ins and outs and especially my wife who has loved me for who I am, the best and the worst of me , and at all times. I am happy to pass away and take the steps to heaven forsaken knowing that I have accomplished my endeavor of writing my memoirs and my journals while being on this earth. I have been instrumental in giving birth to this great race and have passed away my time without raising a concern in the people who walk this earth that a subject of their creator is in their midst. My creator gave me the role of the writer and told me that I will lead the people through my words during my time. I have written glorious words when I have been alive and I hope that they stay alive for generations even after I am gone.

I have to understand how to save my words even after there is a complete wipe-out of this earth. Shall I transmit the words to space and some other planet so there is a seedling of remembrance even after we’re all gone. I’ll have to leave a trail behind so that one can trace them back again.

Legacy is more important than establishment. My legacy will survive even after I am dead for generations and generations.

Immaterial materialism

Materialistic means and possession of items means more than owning a life. Are we just going towards a lifestyle of possession of objects that would define our lifestyle and our stature in life? When my family and my near and dear ones come to me to tell about their recent purchases, with a feeling of stature and dominance, Im not so sure how to react to a conversation of the sorts. One thing that does pinch me in this whole scenario when  the act is on,  that I am not able to spend acquiring these items of splendour and vanity. Whether its a UHD television or whether its a new coffee machine or vacuum cleaner, I know that I have kept her devoid of such things, but knowing how she is and where she comes from, she pains from the inside and keeps it calm on the outside. I know that. It pinches me so much that I flinch.

I vowed to create and make my creations my worth. What can I create that could be worth so much that it pays for all the vanity in the world. Even tonight when I will meet my friends, I know it’ll be the same. It’ll be the same all over again, a system of acquisition and purchases that defines the person and his stature. I’m not quite sure that was taught to me by anyone, neither my dad or his dad before him, but they do practice this day-in and out and have learnt to accept that immaterial materialism.

I as a person am not able to deal with it. I cannot deal with a lifestyle driven by purchases and acquisition. The question that I ask myself is that once sometime in the future if I am in a position to make these purchases, will I too become one of these people?

I never have had the chance to become a materialistic person, infact the materialism is what never really kept intact the family that I always yearned for. All the money in the world and nothing to bind it together.

Is the answer to this education? If we had pursued education rather than opening new businesses ventures in the gleaming light of making mega bucks, would my problem of today have been ?

Another aspect would be that of travelling, would it broaden my horizons and solved my problems.

I am both, not too much but not too less either, then I am still plagued with the issue of immaterial materialism. The dilemma remains….

 

 

Naseeruddin Shah admiration

An excellent, tasteful and beautiful movie. Gone are the days when movies were storytelling and less instagram goals. Going back to those meaningful days with a classy and natural verve of acting by an actor had I known to be so good, I would’ve worshipped him, and maybe now I will. Natural, classy, tasteful and meaningful in every action and word that he says, Naseeruddin Shah is someone I hadn’t known to be an actor class unparelleled to what I have seen him, in this classy and Indian-esque movie. Playing an eccentric nomad with dope cooking skills, Naseeruddin outclasses everything in the movie, and he’s not someone stardom has struck well, he may just be the person for the art. A perfect mentor for me because that is what I want, to create something unparellel to something not seen before and become a personality that can carry off a beautiful accent and character in his art.

Reviewed positively all over the web, I knew this movie will take me to a happy place when I started watching, and the person who literally stole the screen has given me a new perspective to his personality. I am a Naseeruddin Shah fan no!!. The way he carried himself with his character, played it to what it would be naturally, said the words that needed saying and in the most perfect of facial expressions and tone that needed the words. A classy but yet acceptable Indo-American accent, could not have been carried off by someone who has done mass media and has stopped interacting with people and stopped living. It somehow makes me recall an image shared by my chacha’s friend that encapsulates the definition of success. A creative with two visuals, one of a person whos stuck in a horrendous traffic jam in his beautiful and luxurious Bentley and the other visual of a person in a clean and beautiful surrounding cycling away in the sun. Naseeruddin Shah is the second person for me now.