When it comes to choosing sides, I know which one to choose but my self worth decides to choose neither as a sense of self worth being much higher. But one must choose nevertheless. After last night’s bouts with the common folk, my leaning is more towards the enemy which is very unlikely of me. I loathe the enemy and seem to be self inflicting my stand but I see that the other side may just reduce my worth in the long run and make me reach nowhere.
So shall I step into the enemies shoes just because my self worth may reduce in the friendly zone? I think it makes sense…
My 3rd payment installment is due next month and I’m already in a state of flux with the useless banter and mind games. O need an outlet or travel that disconnects me from the monotony. The family trip will make me go nowhere and again I will have to choose my sides wisely. Or would I?
My wife has been doing the interview rounds and to my astonishment, the question that arises in the minds of the interviewer is that of family planning and reproduction. I am sure that there are technical affiliations to the entire maternity leave concept but I am astonished how this has become a generic intrusion of private planning. How does the company that wants to employ ask a question of such delicate matter to a woman and make no such difference to a man’s life. The whole gender bias plays itself to a symphony that may be widely acceptable but exposes a certain element of me and my wife’s life that I am not very happy in sharing with my professional life. How has this question of a certain personal nature suddenly become an open ended question of wide acceptance and one that demands an answer in front of an audience? Isn’t there a way of asking these questions rather than putting it in front. If had she answered in the negative, does it show my wife as someone who puts her career out of the limelight? Does she sidelines her career because she would want to have a family? Is there not a system that exists that accepts a coexistence of work and family planning? Having to borne a kid means that one needs to put her career on hold? Hypocritical??? Isn’t bearing a child a gift of life? and here the child hasn’t been born and yet has started to intrude parts of life that doesn’t even include him or her. The people blatantly ask for details of the family planning the new born so that they don’t have to deal with a miscreant that hasnt been born it. A sense of negativism bears the child even before it has been born and we’ve been confronted for its birth. Confronted for its birth and confronted against it as well.
Its hard getting inspired especially when your in a mundane environment that has a hotel receptionist toughie and a gym instructor for a team. A typical 10-6 grind with a bulging tummy and public transport commute seems to be quite a becoming for a typical household family with two kids and minimum wage zindagi. Whatever that can happen, needs to happen with me in a metaphysical form because im not ready to let go of the cushy job which pays my bills. In fact, I feel its liberating me to do things and I don’t have to be a mercenary or a puritist of any kinds when it comes to money incoming. Im not ready to gamble with me and my life anymore and want to approach with a sound but hopefully calculative way.
I am seeking inspiration and want to be inspired to live outrageously. I want to know that I can write and live a grand life like the ones in Bel-air with a grand house with all the space in the world and good food.
I need to find where to get inspired from especially outside of my comfort area, that is my desk and can propel me to go forward. I am also quite astonished as to how in only 3 months that I simply gave in to the laziness and sleepiness in return for a paycheck. From the outset, I am in a great place where I have a job that pays and doesn’t make me do much. Isn’t that the place where I wanted to be for a long time. Isn’t that the place where I wanted to be and started devoting time to learning new subjects, writing my book and getting fitter. I think it is.
Its been a while since I visited my passion and my destiny to become a writer. This may be something that I’ve written in a few weeks, and I feel ashamed by it. Some of the concepts that I’ve picked up from the training courses seem to be out of my touch and the principles that I picked up are forgotten. But I will still try my best to come up with words that form meaning and hopefully meaningful to someone who reads it.
I still vividly remember the idealogy that dawned on me when I had those mushrooms, it was so much more clear. The colors and the smells were so apparent. It was a High definition movie. I can remember the calling, that I will be the one writing the story of the earth and we are just common earthlings but I have a bigger duty to fulfil. It is something much bigger than me and it will serve for generations to come. Am I to write the Mahabharata of the new times? Was the Mahabharata borrowed from the texts of ancient Egypt like the way Zeitgeist had identified? Do i have the duty to write and pass on the story to generations? I’m not too sure that I still believe or whether I am doing what is needed to strengthen my roots of achieving the dream that I dreamt. I have always written for myself and for my own clarity, it is my place of solace from the chaotic world that I live in, in the meta physical form. But will I ever be able to conjure up a narrative? a story that I want to tell? What is the story that I want to tell? The story of the country where I live and the fallacies that exist. I am not too sure till when these fallacies will exist but what I do know is that what I believe in, the internal conflict that exists in my mind, will only dissolve when what I am saying in the book will come alive.
Coming back to me, why I dont want to blog is because I don’t want to become a popular face. I want to remain in the shadow, leering,urking. I don’t believe that success needs an audience. Heck, I never used to know that I believed it but I did identify that I had friction with recognition for good deeds. I don’t want the limelight. I want to succeed when there is no audience.
Financial freedom in a lock of chains and the whole definition of freedom has been topsy turvy and financial freedom has just been chosen to be a mere definition of the times that we are in. Writing about real shit, I must break off from my comfort zone and write about it. For how much long will I be able to dupe people from the uncomfortable story and narration for something that I have not experienced ever before. If I am writing about a kill, a murder, I have never really experienced what a murder or how is it that killing a person feels like. How will I know what to write about when ive never realised what killing means. The narrative seems to come to a point where its just dragging and the plot seems unknown. Its not dark enough, it’s just another story. I am not a mercenary that will abandon my income source for the goodness and darkness of the story. I need to dive deep to get into the darkness of the story. The current plot is influenced by a day job of 10-6 with the usual commute along with other day job commuters. And the usual banter with wife and retired grand parents. This reminds me of the panic that set me in a few days back on the weekend of setting my parents good as I and Richa are the only bread earners now in the house. My mother is too an earner but let’s face it, she’s running a ladies bridal wear boutique which is run by every living person who’s there in the street. So my story can’t be affected on the story that I am building. Or maybe I twist the story that can reflect from my current life because I cannot understand where to get influenced from.
Whats the influence?
I am in a confused state. The job doesn’t give me too much of satisfaction. It doesn’t put me on an edge, to think. At the same time, it allows me to breathe, and I know its what I wanted and I got it. The dream of having less or no work and incentives. The problem is I don’t know what is my target. What is my achievement theory? Am I to follow up with my client list or what? Am I to wait for the account to get active and should read up on it before it gets out of my control? What does your gut tell you Vaibhav?
-My gut, which is something I have observed over the years is that something that you hadn’t anticipated, will arrive much sooner than you imagine. So I have to be on the edge of my seat. Maybe to paraphrase it, it’s to break my comfort zone and do it. Now I am getting comfortable at the job but I need to break that comfort zone and achieve the next level. That’s what the winners do right…that’s what Tony Robbins says about these super successful hedge fund managers. To be honest, I haven’t gotten the first paycheck yet and I am thinking of possibly abusing my work ethic and going back to non-committance to anything and start doing something of my own.
My gut has not been wrong. My instinct tells me and drives me to what I want to do which is –
- Write my books and get it published by a publishing agency. Self-publishing is tedious and lacks the validation that I would get from a publishing firm. If they validate my writings, they’ve been publishing books before I was born, so I need to get a publishers validation on my writings.
- Write my magnum opus which is ‘The idea of a nation’. I will only release that book when I am dead that is most probably in the year 2067. So my idea has to be for 2070 period. Its going to almost be sci-fi
- I must understand the Nazi movement upclose. I have to end up in Germany and understand the birth zone of the Nazi movement.
- I have to be ready with my body before the time when I start my movement.