Challenges abound that bother because inspite of having a mother, I will never feel the mother’s care. My clothes are faded and despite me saying it so many times, they still fade both for my clothes and in my life. It still bothers me that I don’t have any support system. I continue to fight and struggle. What’s life without being out of your comfort zone. 


Slow may be dangerous

Is this turning out to be the same situation, it’s a very dangerous place to be in. Is it really about standing up for yourself or is it about getting work done. Fuck, this may turn out to be the same situation as VG. Or is it just me who’s the problem here? 

Even he said that I’m slow but I gradually realised that I started doing stuff which has no correlation to my job, completely out of peer pressure. Like why is it that I have to deliver the cheque to the hotel? Why am I organising this event? I’m not a newbie anymore but I’m literally being treated as an intern here. 

Is a no paycheck better than a bad paycheck? Am I whoring myself? 

Soul vs Mind

I feel comfortable in knowing some truths about me and the world. Choosing sides is inevitable. Carving a path of your own needs grit determination and lots of backup. That’s certain. There’s nothing more comforting than backup when you want to carve your own name your own way. The analytical bent of my mind asks what exactly is backup and what exactly is comfortable for carving your own. Is it money? Is it age? Is it life status? Is it health? Is it a combination of all these? Then how much? Is goal setting a driver to achieve substance in life or withering away like a feather with the gush of wind better for your soul. My confidence is a huge factor. And my soul is a huge factor too. The soul says goals suck and enjoy life as you go along but my mind tells me goals are good. It’s just that I don’t see anyone near me pursue goals as persistently as I would. What I need is some re-programming to make it good. 

Recovery Phase start to end

The way that I see my peers from school or college increasingly listening to their inner voice and doing what they think is best for them and getting an enlightened source of fuel for their well-being, keeps me astride to ride the wave again and become a selfish prick that I never was. Am i made of that mettle? I ask myself and gulp down a drop of guilt saliva knowing the truth isnt far from what I am today and its light years away from where I think I want to be. The possibility of having and doing what I believe is my vision seems afar and bleak. I am putting on a bit of weight and eating like a lala, what I used to be known for in my childhood – A magnificent lala that keeps his weight while hunched on my seat and seeing the idiot box like one of the tele-tubbies. This little phase in life I can call redemption from poverty. I have to redeem my status and fill my pockets as I want to stand up again and stretch myself. This little phase of my life I can call the recovery phase from the injury that I suffered for three years. When will I fully recover? I must put a timeline to it and understand how much further should I pull myself to the bottom to recover fully? Also, I need to gather resources and put them to efficient and effective use in order to pow-wow my future growth spectrum.

Choosing sides

When it comes to choosing sides, I know which one to choose but my self worth decides to choose neither as a sense of self worth being much higher. But one must choose nevertheless. After last night’s bouts with the common folk, my leaning is more towards the enemy which is very unlikely of me. I loathe the enemy and seem to be self inflicting my stand but I see that the other side may just reduce my worth in the long run and make me reach nowhere. 

So shall I step into the enemies shoes just because my self worth may reduce in the friendly zone? I think it makes sense…

My 3rd payment installment is due next month and I’m already in a state of flux with the useless banter and mind games. O need an outlet or travel that disconnects me from the monotony. The family trip will make me go nowhere and again I will have to choose my sides wisely. Or would I?

Confrontation with the future perfect or imperfect?

My wife has been doing the interview rounds and to my astonishment, the question that arises in the minds of the interviewer is that of family planning and reproduction. I am sure that there are technical affiliations to the entire maternity leave concept but I am astonished how this has become a generic intrusion of private planning. How does the company that wants to employ ask a question of such delicate matter to a woman and make no such difference to a man’s life. The whole gender bias plays itself to a symphony that may be widely acceptable but exposes a certain element of me and my wife’s life that I am not very happy in sharing with my professional life. How has this question of a certain personal nature suddenly become an open ended question of wide acceptance and one that demands an answer in front of an audience? Isn’t there a way of asking these questions rather than putting it in front. If had she answered in the negative, does it show my wife as someone who puts her career out of the limelight? Does she sidelines her career because she would want to have a family? Is there not a system that exists that accepts a coexistence of work and family planning? Having to borne a kid means that one needs to put her career on hold? Hypocritical???  Isn’t bearing a child a gift of life? and here the child hasn’t been born and yet has started to intrude parts of life that doesn’t even include him or her. The people blatantly ask for details of the family planning the new born so that they don’t have to deal with a miscreant that hasnt been born it. A sense of negativism bears the child even before it has been born and we’ve been confronted for its birth. Confronted for its birth and confronted against it as well.