Rants

I have realised that it is my relatives and family that give me a lot of emotional problems. When I am in my place, the emotions were rather empty and they have always upped my emotions with problems. Yesterday, when i wanted to vent out something, i really didnt have anything. When today my father calls for a problem, its really him that caused the emotional outbreak again. Other than that, i can really focus on being productive and output oriented. My life is going to be weeded from all this. Don’t get your hopes up, you know the connection will be able to weed you out of the money. Do you think every month you can allow 15k to give to Dadi every month. I don’t want to give to any other person really. He just called to tell me that i will not recieve the money. Hahaha, i have sorted out the thing. Get it out today. Pass the test Vaibhav, stay true to yourself and your purpose and everything will come together for you.

Now im facing an identity crisis and initiative crisis. I don’t feel like im in control or have an upper hand on things and it seems that I wont have anymore. But is it the life that I have chosen now for this. That a job is seeming like I know everything. You do know the last time when your were doing a job in a similar environment and the regrets and the back channel thoughts that came forward. If only you would have survived it to some extent, you may have been in a different place altogether. Ive realised one thing about this place and some new principles need to be set in place in order to survive here. One is the foremost thing that it must be done before it is even asked of you, you have to stay on top in terms of speed, just like Priyanka. But how does one do this all day and work on the laptop, especially this shitty piece of laptop they call hardware as pleasurable or not.

And what about things in the personal life, which takes a toll on you. Thankfully, things are much better and it isnt much yuckier like it was in Mumbai. That yucky thing in Mumbai really took its toll on me and led me to a breakdown and burn. After a year, I didnt save up on my money also. I lost my money on the gym membership and wasnt an online savvy person as it is. Now when I think of it, where is all the money going to go, after a year I must target saving the money that I’ve worked towards, especially liquid money in my account. Atleast a lakh rupees in my account. I am earning 70k every month and 35k is going to into various expenses including rent.

There’s another thing about DMA that I just remembered. I have to put my emotions aside and look at this job very objectively. Just complete the tasks without putting my brain as to the shocks I was going through. Also, the whole sex thing became an issue for me and I can’t let that happen to me anymore.

When i took this job, i was sure about the consequences and I had this thing in my mind that I need to work my way into building more trust and credibility with the team, its only then they will be able to apply their trust to me.

My family members have always been the source of respite and despise. Why is it that my father has been a irresponsible and unreliable person. Is it my lineage. Does he not see the damage that he is doing to himself and our relationship. We’re just a sinking ship and they’ll latch onto anything that comes they’re way. How come I was never taught to make money by my adults. What was it that they taught me to do then. To party and have a good time. Come to think of it, I wasnt taught the basic things to sustain a life.

Well I have been taught a few things, but eventually what I was taught was that I can give up, giving up was what I was taught. And its not a wise thing to give up.

Reboot

its already past the mid-week and I still havent made progress with my goals. Its really astonishing how things just whiff past but you know that you must be patient. Meticulousness and patience are 2 such virtues which I have not yet mastered and the people around me don’t let me to. But I love this thing where I have the peace and quiet to concentrate on my thoughts and my feelings. I want to connect with myself and find a universe within. The story of Jawahar and Edwina’s platonic relationship and the way India has come to being because both of them refused to give up and be gracious despite the hatred and untrust that prevailed during that time. I must get into the habit of dedicating atleast 500 words every night. Lets give it a shot shall we

Start of the week thoughts in Tier 2 India

Morning and yet again a week starts of stepping out of your comfort zone. I still havent been able to get that clarity. It seems that working out and breaking a sweat can remove the haze in my mind. But where is the time for all that. Are  you serious Vaibhav, you’re asking where is the time for that. Now is that time. For how much longer will this continue of putting it together. I have mentioned the goals, but isnt this something that you must do in order for a longer and successful continuance. Yea. Whats the right thing to do here Vaibhav, you know that its the right thing to do. Its been a  while since you’ve even written anything, rather you should be writing almost everyday for an hour. Shouldnt’ you. Your interests are there but you’re not taking the time out to do it. This place is a comfort zone and requires quality of the utmost standard. You are in a reputed firm. It just consists of people right now Vaibhav, just the way there were people there, there are people here. What are you saying that you’re not motivated to perform. What was your goal, to clinch atleast 3 deals this year for them so that atleast you’re in the comfort zone. There’s nothing else besides setting up the house on my mind. What happens when the house is set. What are the objectives within that because it seems that its an on-going thing of setting up the house and stuffing it with things. Whats going to happen once its too stuffed? Have I thought about that, what happens when your satisfied. Thats the thing, im not satisfied yet and it remains on top of my mind. I wish it can be much more than what I can afford, and somehow, everything seems to be much more than I  thought it would be. This is Pune, its tier-2 India and I am still functioning on Tier-1 mindset. It needs a mindset shift.

Its 9:55 and still no one is here, what is happening

Journey

I feel that I’ve taken a lot of things on my head in terms of managing the house. How am I expected to make my own food and also increase my productivity when Im working. Whatever it is, you need to focus and get that piece of Jawahar and Edwina out. It seems that you’ve completely forgotten that about this whole endeavour. I do wanted to seep in and see where it could lead me but its really not my nature to be invasive and sit like a dead duck out there when I can comfortably sit here. Don’t you see that this is a lean period, and lean period means that you have to establish the platform for your function here. The primary function is to win business, but it seems to be a counter productive one. How can I impress without sending out anything or meeting anyone. Where’s the business sense for that. There is a cascading effect when it comes to business planning, and business planning happens. Why is it that you always feel that you’re the extra wheel in everywhere. My god, thank god you’re atleast the extra wheel and you don’t have to think about the ramifications of taking a 6 month long break. This is a 6 month long break, if you look at it. This is long and arduous journey will be classic to bring that creativity out of you, so start preparing and solving and perfecting yourself.