I have realised that it is my relatives and family that give me a lot of emotional problems. When I am in my place, the emotions were rather empty and they have always upped my emotions with problems. Yesterday, when i wanted to vent out something, i really didnt have anything. When today my father calls for a problem, its really him that caused the emotional outbreak again. Other than that, i can really focus on being productive and output oriented. My life is going to be weeded from all this. Don’t get your hopes up, you know the connection will be able to weed you out of the money. Do you think every month you can allow 15k to give to Dadi every month. I don’t want to give to any other person really. He just called to tell me that i will not recieve the money. Hahaha, i have sorted out the thing. Get it out today. Pass the test Vaibhav, stay true to yourself and your purpose and everything will come together for you.
Now im facing an identity crisis and initiative crisis. I don’t feel like im in control or have an upper hand on things and it seems that I wont have anymore. But is it the life that I have chosen now for this. That a job is seeming like I know everything. You do know the last time when your were doing a job in a similar environment and the regrets and the back channel thoughts that came forward. If only you would have survived it to some extent, you may have been in a different place altogether. Ive realised one thing about this place and some new principles need to be set in place in order to survive here. One is the foremost thing that it must be done before it is even asked of you, you have to stay on top in terms of speed, just like Priyanka. But how does one do this all day and work on the laptop, especially this shitty piece of laptop they call hardware as pleasurable or not.
And what about things in the personal life, which takes a toll on you. Thankfully, things are much better and it isnt much yuckier like it was in Mumbai. That yucky thing in Mumbai really took its toll on me and led me to a breakdown and burn. After a year, I didnt save up on my money also. I lost my money on the gym membership and wasnt an online savvy person as it is. Now when I think of it, where is all the money going to go, after a year I must target saving the money that I’ve worked towards, especially liquid money in my account. Atleast a lakh rupees in my account. I am earning 70k every month and 35k is going to into various expenses including rent.
There’s another thing about DMA that I just remembered. I have to put my emotions aside and look at this job very objectively. Just complete the tasks without putting my brain as to the shocks I was going through. Also, the whole sex thing became an issue for me and I can’t let that happen to me anymore.
When i took this job, i was sure about the consequences and I had this thing in my mind that I need to work my way into building more trust and credibility with the team, its only then they will be able to apply their trust to me.
My family members have always been the source of respite and despise. Why is it that my father has been a irresponsible and unreliable person. Is it my lineage. Does he not see the damage that he is doing to himself and our relationship. We’re just a sinking ship and they’ll latch onto anything that comes they’re way. How come I was never taught to make money by my adults. What was it that they taught me to do then. To party and have a good time. Come to think of it, I wasnt taught the basic things to sustain a life.
Well I have been taught a few things, but eventually what I was taught was that I can give up, giving up was what I was taught. And its not a wise thing to give up.