im in the passenger seat

what a work it is, ru thinking about what Richa said about joining ImaginXp, just imagine that ur in this small city with small city problems and ur able to do the work that is engaging and you enjoy the thing but there is something that is bothering you isnt it Vaibhav, there is that certain bit of disconnect and angst and anxiety that whether this would happen or not. Do you feel that you’re underpaid. Vaibhav, you know what was the thing just 3 years back. And it seems that you havent progressed much from there. Since the time i have joined this place, it just seems that im playing catch up and there isnt truly something that im able to drive on my own. I was in the drivers seat but recently i feel im in the passenger seat for some reason. Can you shift back to the drivers seat. Can i feel that personable thing to do. Im feeling so silent and its becasue i feel that I was silenced. But isnt this profession 1% work and 99% justification. It is, and you know it, but somehow im feeling the passenger seat feeling.

My world is collapsing

why is shouvik leaving affecting you so much Vaibhav, because somehow i feel that im one of the reasons of him leaving. Is that so. I feel a little confused and taken aback with all this. plus the after effects of being here at Elephant Design is also affecting me, there are some very alarming things that are affecting me, like for example, is there any stress or problems that is going to happen on my job or am i going to ever be normal again. The money is also a great problem and somehow i feel that im coping with problems rather than being on top of it. The reason being that i dont feel like im on top of my game. Everything is turning out to be non-masala and disconnected. I dont know how i feel and im feeling anxious. As if my self-worth is no more and my interests are waning and im collapsing. I feel with all this emptiness like my world is collapsing, i am definitely a proponent of my grandmother with nothing to prove. Have you ever pursued excellence Vaibhav, excellence in your field, and does excellence ever have a resounding thing in your life.

Containment of the dark side

I was part of the new age and cutting edge, it was chaotic and humdrum at times but it consumed a part of me that was afraid of coming out, it consumed a dark region and put it to rest. But now the new age chaos isnt there and slowly the dark side of my conscious is becoming larger and larger and trying to consume something that I want to become or would like to be, to retain the sanctity and goodness in me. This dark side is gradually eating me up. This old way of working may be more settled and organised, but it’s dulling me and constantly bringing out the dark side in me which is irrational, impetuous, almost juvenile.

 

The goodside was channelled towards building, constructing, achieving,

A force of habit has been formed for a reason. Its because ive been doing something for so many days, and doing something which is completely beyond my comfort level at this moment is what is bringing anxiety to me. I am in a shell, just look at this, I havent done shit the entire day except for cleaning and organising shit up today. But here I am living the good ol’ design life and being a new business development guy, and why because i have finesse and style and im from big city life. Im classy and eclectic and for some reason this guy has completely downplayed me from where I was. The starting point was no Mac, and from thereon it feel downwards. It is difficult to buy trust from people. It takes time. I worked hard for it at Yaap and it took some major beating and sweat but I did it. I had a kickass goal set back then and it worked. Now im at this place where I always wanted to end up at and im already feeling the squeeze and boredom. Now today im going out with a colleague and im not sure whats on her agenda but I know that my agenda is always after two drinks and I don’t want to become an ass. You have to establish trust and make your niche. There is a longer-term objective to all this. The agenda of going out is to have a social life. Right now, after work, you go home to your maid and have her cook food and watch tv and house maintenance. Is that the life that you want out here. I don’t want to become a maverick for sure but I also don’t want to be a couch potato. So whats the agenda for today’s drink meeting? Its time out and socialising for two very bored individuals from work and seeking youth. Not with each other for sure but around us. Its become sleepy and un exciting.

im done with todays post now

Here’s to another day of the common behaviour of humans. I have realised that I have reached the epitome of design and brand consulting in India. Its a corporate life that im living and somewhat is the realisation that I should have a pat on the back to reach this epitome but having said that, its getting tougher and tougher to understand the value add that im able to give and the value add that im getting from all this. Is it so lowly paid my profession? Maybe I have had a wrong start and beginning to all this. Just 2 years ago I had quit my own business and joined another startup called VG. It was just two years ago that I began my journey and now Im here in Pune all by myself. There are several comparisons that I can make to my previous stints but having said that, I have to stay true to my goals. The goal for me here is that I must crack 3 deals atleast this year for this company. The 3 deals is just a safenet and in order to crack those 3 deals, there is a whole lot of things that I must do prior to that. Am i already doing that? Am i already making headway into that? Maybe I am, but then I must stay true to it. This place also induces sleep especially when there is lack of sleep the night before. Fortunatley, the breakfast was good and it woke me up completely. It was nutritious and somehow I feel that all these elements have something to contribute towards all my

release from internal conflicts

I just want someone to just listen to me what i am going through right now. its getting more and more weird for me and the interest to come to work everyday. Its getting morose and moroser. I mean there is something known as trust and expectation which is getting reduced. How will i survive in this environment, will i get acclimitized to this? The thing is i expected Richie to be in the same boat as me but its not happening. In fact i have pushed her in this world of too much and excess of work. Is it worth it? Is everything worth it? My principles are being reduced to crumbles whatever i have learnt in all these years its reduced to nothing. Why am i giving up becasue i want to give up and give nothing back, how am i giving back to what I have learnt so far. Do i have anything to give back in the first place, will it help me feel better if i

Firsly, you have to be aware of your sarroundings vaibhav, you know they are talking about you and dont find you that way, but then what is your way. Am i going to burn out due to loneliness or exclusionary practices. What is my motto in life and am i doing what I need to do. Im also feeling very unporductive. I am getting unexcited and bored. Its day in and day out, put yourself in this mould and dance, oh fuck, its a cog in the wheel. Something that Ive realised about myself here, i dunno, i think I can achieve if i put my mind to it. Its a fucking proposal doc. How much work can actually go in a proposal doc Dhruv, you actually put your mind to it and you were happy but im not liking it baceuse im being nit-picked on evvery little detail and ask to conform to the structure. Is that what MBA is actually about. Conformity and strucutre and just put your mind to it and get it done. Am i actually feeling good about doing what im doing. Am i going home to something with a feeling that im doing good. Holy shit, its pouring, the questions are insurmountable to what im going through. What is the feeling that im going throuhg when i actually put down a proposal doc . Dont you feel debilitated when he says, isko kisi cheez mai daal do, so iska time pass ho jayega. Why do I give such vibes to people to take advantage of me and treat me in this way. When have i become this person who is a push over. Am i push over, maybe I am so that means i dont deserve to be here. As a pushover, i had gone through the same thing that Rachel from friends had gone through, an irritating dad. I dont get the feeling of happiness jsut the wya that bitch is geting and its sad to see and im putting myself down with this. I was on a mac, and it was awesome, i upgraded, i came here and work-wise ive downgraded, so where can i upgrade from here. Ive upgraded my house and my living standards? Or have I, am i even putting togethere the money from here. What the fuck are you doing Vaibhav, you’re adapting to your current situation and making do the best that you can do, so make do with the best you can Vaibhav so the future is bright. But what after this? I am another cog in the wheel, I just have to stay true to my agenda of getting few clients on board. Im done with proposal making, its such a drud. Can i do something else that enriches my soul and my thought as well. I really should get back on track with my thoughts and really introduce some clients to the scenario. That was rich of him, first he fucked me up with my mind and now hes’ considering me that Im incompetent. Now to build up that amp I need o wait for another 3-4 months of just ranting and fighting. I dont understand what was that all about. Im even getting afraid to piss off people, how can i piss off people, how can i piss off people. Am i actually incompetent. Not really, people are just pushy here and dont really want to be pushed over by new people. So they’re bringing theyre game on. How am i bringing my game here? By pleasing them.

 

Best for me at this point is to get back to my routine and be very disciplined and strict with myself. What else am i going to do to get my sanity. I know the energy is weird and its getting on me, its not very approachable and too much data to conjure and evaluate. Maybe I can now play some games of my own to survive this place, and I believe i would need to so that I can get away with something. Like for example, right now i have to sit till 8:30 to complete my time here. This is so industrial, its like a factory that I have to sit here and give my time. Like that I can sit here and complete my time. Wait, hello, isnt this somewhat reminding you of DY Works, wherein you were also stuck in the office and into your laptop and then ended up doing a lot of work till late nights. Of course, i felt the lack of camaraderie there and the lack is felt here as well. Do you want camaraderie? Go explore and wonder. Have you felt like doing something that you thought never to be doing? Oh shit, this place is screaming like DY Works. This is the structure here and just look at me typing this shit out like I wanted to do it. The fulfillment factor is very minimal and I feel like I need to release myself from this cage.

What a release man, what a release. My parents have filled my life with filth and now when Im sitting here, i feel deprived and sullen like i dont have a life anymore. This is so much screaming like Bombay now. What do I want to do, i want to get my fitness back on and my life back on, its my life and scream it like you want to. This time is screaming Bombay and dont fall into that trap again Vaibhav, dont fall in that trap again. Its a Thursday and make it happen, I just wish my parents would figure their shit out soon and I can proceed life without the guilt that I have to complete them. They put in that guilt and now im again stuck in that rut. Go forward now Vaibhav, you must and it couldnt have been a better time now. Now you’re out of the life that you were stuck in Delhi, now you can dream and achieve. Oh man, this feels like such a release. Dont get stuck in that Bombay rut.